Win the World Cup? Then this is how . . .
NOW England have squeaked into the World Cup finals in Brazil next year we can look forward to eight months of mounting hysteria that will reach its peak in early June when cars, shops and homes will be festooned with the flag of St George before it all descends into crushing disappointment in early July after we bow out to Iceland – on penalties
Foreign imports in the Premier League, overpaid players, poor Roy Hodgson, possibly the Prime Minister and very definitely the strains of the English season will be blamed for a series of inept displays that will result in the bursting of the patriotic bubble that inflates every time there’s a major football tournament in the offing.
We won’t win the World Cup in 2014 because:
1) Only South American nations ever win the World Cup in South America;
2) We can’t cope with the heat/humidity/flies/Brazilian food etc;
3) We aren’t actually any good;
The truth is that no-one, despite what The Sun will surely tell us in late May after we smash the Faroe Islands 2-0 in our final warm up game, should expect us to win the World Cup.
The mistake we made was winning it once before, back in 1966 when we had home advantage, a clutch of world class players and, let’s be honest, a fair degree of good fortune. That gave us false belief.
Only eight countries have ever won the World Cup and only four have ever won it more than once. Of these, two won it at least once each by cheating. Mussolini effectively bought the World Cup for Italy in the 1930s and FIFA have now concluded that Argentina’s 1978 victory was, shall we say, a little dodgy. Which means that only two countries have won it more than once by not cheating – Brazil and Germany; who are better than us and have a lot more footballers to choose from.
So if we really want to win the World Cup then forget St George’s Park, getting rid of foreigners in the Premier League and better coaches, in truth the only way to do it is:
1) Cheat. Yes, forget English fair play and just bribe everybody we come into contact with from Fifa officials to referees;
2) Create more English people.
3) Make sure the finals are played in England, preferably in November in front of partisan rain-soaked fans at Old Trafford, Anfield and St James Park;
4) Ban Brazil and Germany from taking part; Otherwise we should accept the truth. We are a decent, second tier football nation for whom getting to the last 16 is a decent effort – even if we do then lose to Iceland on penalties.